I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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