Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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