i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
