I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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