i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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