I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
