Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
