she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
