Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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