I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I need moral support for this bender
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
