I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
