the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
