My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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