so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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