my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think i got beer on your cat.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
