I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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