I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
