I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
