My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
