I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
