Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Send help, water and tortillas.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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