it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
