Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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