his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
