Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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