Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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