No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
