that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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