New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
