The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
