i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
