I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
