Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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