the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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