Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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