im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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