No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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