I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
