I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
