i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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