Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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