you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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