his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
