fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
