so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
