the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
