I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
