I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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