A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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