I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
